I Have Asperger's

I've heard a lot of people say "You don't seem like you have Aspergers."  (To which I have finally just started to reply "What is Aspergers supposed to look like?"  either that or, if I'm feeling lazy, I say "I know".)  When I tell people the things that bother me, like certain sounds (lawn mowers and chain saws or weed-whackers) people say "lot's of people don't like those sounds".  As if they are trying to say that I'm so called "normal" and that many people feel the same way I do about things.  But they don't understand. 

When I say that the sound of a weed-whacker bothers me, I don't mean that it's just something that annoys me, like many people feel.  What I mean is that if I don't close the windows, turn on my sound soother, listen to music, or somehow get AWAY from that noise, my stress level will go through the roof and I will 10x more likely to have a meltdown.  I have yet to see someone who doesn't have Aspergers shut the window on a beautiful day JUST because of the sound of a weed-whacker down the street, let alone have a meltdown if they DON'T shut the window.

So yes, in some ways, I am like other people.  In fact, in many ways, OTHER PEOPLE are LIKE ME!  However, it's the idea of how severely the situations effect me that differs from how they effect many neuro-typical people.

I've had many people say to me "You're so brave for sharing such personal information with everyone."  I suppose that's a compliment, and I appreciate that.  What confuses me is this: I don't FEEL any NEED to be brave.  It's not scary for me.  It's not embarrassing, or shameful, or any of that.  Not that I don't feel that at other times (I have my share of secrets, too!), but speaking out about Autism and Asperger's is easy for me.  The difficult part is getting people to listen.

When I was in school, before I was even diagnosed, I tried to ask for help.  Most people just said "You're doing fine." and moved on.  This was where I started to REALLY struggle.  It was hard for me to ask for help, and to hear someone say that I don't even need it was SO frustrating.  After a few years, I realized I had to speak up for myself.  I got to a point where I was so frustrated, I wouldn't allow myself to be ignored anymore.  If I needed help, well then gosh darn-it I needed help!

This is why I always tell people who ask me if I'm open to speaking about my life that I'm more than happy to do so AS LONG AS PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO LISTEN.  One of my biggest fears is speaking to a crowd of people who either talk over me or show other signs of being uninterested in what I have to say.  It's not a fear of ME making a mistake or anything like that.  It's a fear of being misunderstood and ignored.

So In the end, my bravery doesn't come from speaking about what some people consider to be personal issues (and I barely know what is considered to be 'personal', or WHY for that matter...).  My only bravery I have is facing the same fear every time I speak: that I will once again be ignored, misunderstood, or doubted.  My life is pretty much an open book for hundreds or thousands of people to learn from.  (Granted it's what my parents are willing to share, too.)  What's there to be embarrassed of, though, of being a human being?

Please just take a moment to read this. 

I know that it's not even close to September as I write this, but I want to say something about September 11, 2001.  As terrible as it was, and NO ONE deserved to die for what I'm about to say happened, take a moment to watch videos about what happened AFTER that day.  I see the horror, but then I see people stopping to help each other.  I see love and care and so much PEACE.  I see such amazing things that only seem to happen when there are tragedies like this.  It saddens me that only the worst things in life can bring out the best in some people.  And like I said, NO ONE deserves to die for these wonderful acts of love and kindness.  So why do we wait?

I've been trying to find a way to move out for a while now.  In doing so, my parents and I have decided that I need to try to be out in 90 days, for everyone's sake.  We just need space from each other, and it's about time for me to get out on my own.  As with any young adult, I'm going to be facing my challenges of moving.  What makes this goal even more interesting is the fact that I have Aspergers. 

So, I've decided that I'm going to do a series of videos on youtube.  I will post a video each week on the progress I've made, the obstacles I've faced, and ultimately, my journey towards moving out.

Here is my video for week one:

I saw this question in the search options, and I decided that I'd better take a moment to answer it for people.  So if you've found yourself on this page by searching this, I hope that you'll understand the following.

I have Asperger's.  I can also be lazy sometimes.  However, these two traits are COMPLETELY unrelated.  My household dictionary describes the term "lazy" as being "Unwilling to work".  However, with Asperger's, it's not about being unWILLING to work, but unABLE.  I can get to a point where I am so overwhelmed, overstimulated, exhausted, distraught- you name it, that I'm at a point where I'm not CAPABLE of working.  No matter how much I WANT to, or TRY to, I will have a meltdown because my body and mind cannot continue.

Compare it to speeding down the highway while it's pouring rain, the windshield wipers don't work, you can't pull over, the radio is at full blast because it's broken, there is a siren coming up from somewhere behind you, and you have a passenger asking you to answer an algebra question.  Are you unWILLING to continue driving, or are you unABLE to?  Can you drive?  Not really.  Are you lazy in this situation?  Absolutely not.

Don't get me wrong, I am human.  Therefore, I am lazy every so often.  Yes, there are many times I don't want to get up in the morning.  I don't always feel like practicing my piano.  And to be honest, who really WANTS to do chores?

But please understand, there is a difference between the not WANTING and the not being ABLE.

No, Asperger's does NOT make you lazy.  It seems to do the opposite, in fact.  I WANT to be able to do so much more sometimes, but I'm not always ABLE to.  So I do the best I can.  (And honestly, that's a LOT!)

Dear "I Wish I Didn't Have Asperger's",

I'm SO sorry that you feel this way.  I don't know what caused these feelings to come about, but I can promise you that you don't have to be alone.  Many people go through teasing, or misunderstanding, or downright discrimination.  It's not RIGHT, but it's true.  I am here to say: I am with you in your struggle, but I am also with you in the triumph.

Yes, the triumph.  The beauty of being different from many others.  The glory of knowing that YOU are not just "anyone".  The obstacles that you overcome have not just the badge of "well done" waiting at the end, but you can also know that you overcome them AND you have Aspergers.  YOU have talents that many others do not.  Above all, YOU are so important, because YOU are here, and if it weren't for your Aspergers, you would be MUCH different, and therefore, NOT you.

So please, take a moment to remember, that yes, there is struggle and injustice and downright failure, but you are still human.  Aspergers will NEVER take that away from you.  But you can decide to take away the wonderful qualities associated with Aspergers.  The qualities such as being unique, intelligent, fun, caring, and more.

I am sorry that you wish you didn't have Aspergers, but I am not sorry that I have Aspergers.  I hope you can join me in what will be a new, positive feeling for you.

Sincerely,

Admin of I Have Asperger's

www.ihaveaspergers.webs.com

@AspergerSadie

I'm writing this one because I've finally realized, people don't understand me.  I mean, I've always KNOWN this, but I didn't realize that some aren't even OPEN to understanding me.  Below, I'm going to write a small list of traits some people may think of when they want to describe Autism or Aspergers:

Awkward

Anti-social

Savant

Expert in Math or Science

No Eye-contact

Tantrums

Unimaginative

Rocking

Flapping

Obsessions

Dumb

Not good with communication

Rain Man

There are LOTS of traits people think of when they describe Autism or Aspergers.  The thing is, what I listed above are mostly stereotypical.  Here are some traits I personally like to think of:

Creative

Fun

Unique

Hard-working

Misunderstood

Yes, misunderstood.  Some people DO have the traits from the first list.  But, just like any random person off the street, people on the spectrum are unique individuals who will have varying traits from focused hobbies to a million interests!  So the next time you say "but you don't SEEM like you have Aspergers", I promise you I will ask "Oh, really?  What does Aspergers look like to you?"  Because maybe then, I can teach someone something new about Autism.

I learned something new the other day.  There are rational and irrational fears.  I mean, I KNEW this, but the problem was, I didn't know the difference.  Let me explain.

I have had a fear of bees for a long time.  When I was about 20 years old, my fear had turned into a full blown phobia, where I didn't feel safe under the covers of my own bed.  I went to get help, and found a great person who helped me to overcome my fear.  (Well, for the most part.)  Basically, I had exposure therapy to slowly get used to bees.  If I was just a little scared, I needed to try and handle it.  Like I said, this all worked, so I have been pretty happy for the past year or two.

Now, here comes the problem:

At my work, there was a bees' nest outside.  Most people may automatically think "okay, so, call the boss and tell them there's a problem that makes it unsafe to work".  However, I felt my fear of bees taking over, and I thought it was my phobia returning.  I thought "I have to try to handle this, because I'm a little scared."  I tried to work through this group of about 10 bees, but I couldn't.  I was so devastated, thinking that I would have to quit my job because I was too scared to work, I was in tears.  Finally, I asked the person who had helped me with my fear to help me again.  I was slightly surprised and VERY relieved to hear that I should call in about the nest, because it might be unsafe. I called in and explained to my boss about the situation, and they helped me to figure out the best, SAFE way to get the job done.  I admitted that I used to have a phobia about bees, and my boss jokingly replied "yeah, and now it's common sense!"

What's funny is that I didn't know it was common sense.  At least, not right away.  I'm so used to it being ME who has to deal with things, that I couldn't see when I DIDN'T have to deal.  I'm so used to having an irrational fear of bees, that I didn't recognize my body's (probably instinctive!) RATIONAL fear of a bees' NEST.

Now I know why I need people to support and coach me through things.  It's because sometimes, I really, truly just don't comprehend.  And if it were anyone else in my shoes, I would have told them it was an unsafe situation.  I have common sense, sometimes I just don't understand it.  (Try making sense of THAT statement!)

I went to an awards breakfast today.  (I didn't win, but I was nominated.  This nomination earned me a free pass to a flower and garden show.)  Everyone was so nice to me there.  They knew I had Aspergers, so they seated me close to a door so I had less of a chance of feeling overwhelmed in a crowd of over 200 people.  It really helped.  I still ended up using my sunglasses to feel less anxious, and ear plugs to lessen the noise. 

Anyways, the breakfast was nice, and when it was over, I got to see the gardens.  But I think my favorite part WASN'T the gardens.  It was a special meadow/field that they had.  It was so empty and open and quiet.  SO quiet.  I remember walking through that field, and I was the ONLY one there.  All around me was grass, and trees in the distance.  At one point, I just stopped smack dab in the middle of it all, and looked around soaking it up.  No cars, no people, no evidence of major civilization.  There was a groundhog that ran by, a few birds flew around me, and that was about it.  A thought crossed my mind: "Is this EARTH?"  It seems like a silly question, but if you think about it you'll understand why I would ask that to myself.  I've grown up, without EVER having gone camping, or anywhere by myself in the middle of nothing.  No litter, no electricity, no pollution, no noise.  And when you have Aspergers, this all plays a BIG role in life.  You can smell the pollution, you can hear everything.  I've NEVER heard anything that quiet in my entire life.

It's funny, because I'm not a HUGE nature person, not that I have anything against it, I'm just not THAT into it.  But that meadow was the most beautiful place I have ever been.  (Minus the goose poo in the grass!)

Yes, I have Aspergers.  I also have depression.  They are two separate things.  I see my Aspergers as being something that I can work with and it can be positive.  With depression, I honestly don't see the "good" of it.

Depression is one of those things that can make you feel like you are the only person on the planet when you're in the middle of a crowd of friends.  It's hard because you can see yourself bringing other people down with you.  It's annoying because you cry for no reason, and BECAUSE there's no specific reason that you're crying, there's nothing that can make you feel better.  You just have to wait it out, and follow doctor's orders.  It's even harder, because while you WANT to get better, you lack motivation to TRY to get better.  In the end, it feels like a downwards spiral.

So, I'm writing this post to explain any lack of blog posts lately.  I think depression also takes away from the quality of my writing.  Sorry about that.